Jason Kirkpatrick
Every business owner with a website has received at least one cold email from an SEO agency promising to get them to the top of Google. The email is always poorly written, full of vague promises, and somehow they’ve already done an “audit” of your site that reveals “critical issues” that need immediate attention.
I get about five of these emails per week, and I run an SEO agency. It’s like a plumber receiving spam emails about how their pipes are broken. The irony is completely lost on them.
Here’s how to spot when an SEO sales pitch is complete rubbish, so you don’t waste your money on snake oil.
“We Guarantee First Page Rankings”
This is the biggest red flag in the entire industry. Any SEO agency that guarantees first page rankings is either lying to you or planning to rank you for keywords that nobody’s searching for.
Sure, I can guarantee you’ll rank first for “best plumbing services in Cranbourne North operated by someone named Dave who has a red van.” That’s because nobody else is competing for that keyword, and also because nobody’s searching for it.
Google has publicly stated that nobody can guarantee rankings. It’s literally impossible because nobody except Google controls the algorithm. So when an agency promises guaranteed results, what they’re really saying is “we’re either incompetent or dishonest, possibly both.”
The Mysterious “Proprietary System”
SEO agencies love talking about their “proprietary system” or “secret method” that gets results other agencies can’t achieve. They’ll hint at some special relationship with Google, or some technique they’ve developed that nobody else knows about.
This is complete nonsense. SEO isn’t magic. It’s technical work, content creation, and link building. There are no secrets. Google publishes documentation about how their algorithm works. The information is freely available to anyone who bothers to read it.
When an agency claims they have a secret system, what they actually have is a standard SEO process that they’ve given a fancy name to make it sound special. It’s like calling a ham sandwich a “proprietary protein delivery system.”
They Found “500 Critical Errors” On Your Site
This is a classic tactic. They’ll send you a report showing hundreds of errors on your website, complete with scary red warnings and urgent language about how these issues are destroying your rankings.
Most of these “critical errors” are either completely minor technical issues that have zero impact on rankings, or they’re things the audit tool flags automatically that aren’t actually problems.
I once had an agency tell a client they had 400 broken links on their site. Turns out they were counting every broken link on every page, so a single broken image that appeared on 400 pages was counted as 400 errors. Technically accurate, but deliberately misleading.
Real SEO audits identify actual problems and explain why they matter. They don’t just dump a spreadsheet of scary numbers on you and hope you panic.
Vague Timeline and Results
Ask an SEO agency how long results will take and what kind of results you can expect. If they can’t give you a straight answer, run away.
Good agencies will tell you something like “we typically see improvements in rankings within 3-6 months, and most clients see a 30-50% increase in organic traffic within the first year.” It’s not a guarantee, but it’s a realistic timeframe based on past experience.
Bad agencies will say things like “results vary” or “we’ve seen clients rank in as little as 2 weeks!” They’re being deliberately vague because they know they can’t actually deliver results, so they’re covering themselves for when nothing happens.
They Want to Change Everything Immediately
Some SEO agencies will insist on making massive changes to your website right away. Complete redesigns, moving to a new platform, rebuilding everything from scratch.
This is usually a sign they don’t actually know what they’re doing. Most SEO improvements are incremental. You fix technical issues, improve content, build links, and measure the results. You don’t blow up the entire site unless there’s a genuinely good reason.
Agencies push for big changes because it justifies their fee and makes them look busy. It’s much easier to bill someone $10,000 for a complete website rebuild than $2,000 for fixing some meta descriptions and improving page speed.
They’re Obsessed With Keywords
If an agency’s entire pitch revolves around keywords and rankings, they’re stuck in 2010. Modern SEO is about topics, user intent, and providing genuinely useful content.
These agencies will show you a list of keywords they’re going to target, complete with search volumes and competition scores. They’ll promise to get you ranking for all of them. What they won’t tell you is that ranking for keywords means nothing if those keywords don’t drive actual business results.
I know businesses ranking first for their target keywords who get almost no sales from their website. I also know businesses ranking on page two who make a fortune because they’re targeting the right intent with the right content.
The Link Building “Strategy”
Ask them how they build links. If they can’t give you a clear answer, or if the answer involves guest posting on random blogs you’ve never heard of, that’s a problem.
Real link building is hard work. It involves creating content that people actually want to link to, building relationships with relevant websites, and earning links through genuine value.
Dodgy SEO agencies use link networks, buy links from spam sites, or blast out thousands of guest post offers to low-quality blogs. This might work temporarily, but it’ll eventually get you penalised and could do permanent damage to your site.
They Don’t Ask About Your Business
This one’s subtle but important. If an SEO agency pitches you without asking detailed questions about your business, your customers, and your goals, they’re not actually planning to do SEO for you.
Good SEO requires understanding what you’re trying to achieve. Are you trying to increase online sales? Generate leads? Build brand awareness? Different goals require different strategies.
Agencies that launch into their pitch without asking questions are using a one-size-fits-all approach. They’re going to do the same thing for you that they do for every other client, regardless of whether it’s actually appropriate for your business.
The Monthly Report is Meaningless
They’ll promise detailed monthly reports showing all the work they’ve done. Then when you actually get the reports, they’re full of vanity metrics that don’t mean anything.
“We published 12 blog posts!” Okay, but did anyone read them? “We built 50 backlinks!” Great, from where? And did they actually improve rankings? “Your site had 10,000 visitors this month!” How many of them were bots? How many converted to customers?
Real reports show business outcomes. Traffic, rankings, conversions, revenue. They explain what was done, why it was done, and what impact it had. They don’t just list activities and hope you’re impressed by the numbers.
They’re Selling Packages
This is a big one. If an agency offers fixed SEO packages (Bronze, Silver, Gold, or whatever), they’re not actually doing custom SEO work. They’re doing the same tasks for every client and hoping something sticks.
Real SEO is tailored to your specific situation. Maybe you need technical fixes but your content is fine. Maybe your site’s technically perfect but you need better content. Maybe you just need link building. There’s no way to know without actually auditing your site and understanding your business.
Packages are efficient for the agency because they can systemise everything and pump through clients quickly. But they’re terrible for clients because you’re paying for work you might not need.
The Keyword Research Tool Screenshots
They’ll send you screenshots from SEMrush or Ahrefs showing search volumes for various keywords, usually highlighting ones with high volume and positioning their service as the way to capture that traffic.
Here’s the problem: anyone can pull up these tools and find high-volume keywords. That’s not strategy, that’s just using a tool. The question is whether those keywords are actually relevant to your business and whether you have any realistic chance of ranking for them.
A local plumber showing you that “emergency plumber” gets 50,000 searches per month doesn’t mean anything if you’re competing against every major plumbing company in the country for that term. You’d be better off targeting “emergency plumber in [your suburb]” even though it only gets 20 searches per month.
They Can’t Explain Technical Concepts Simply
If you ask an SEO agency to explain something and they respond with a wall of jargon, they’re either trying to confuse you or they don’t actually understand it themselves.
Good SEO professionals can explain technical concepts in plain English because they genuinely understand what they’re talking about. Bad ones hide behind jargon because it makes them sound knowledgeable while saying nothing of substance.
If they can’t explain why something matters to your business in terms you understand, they probably don’t know why it matters either.
The Portfolio is Suspiciously Vague
Ask to see case studies or examples of past work. If they can’t show you specific, detailed examples with real results, that’s a red flag.
Some agencies will claim they can’t share case studies because of NDAs. This is sometimes true, but it’s also a convenient excuse for not having any real success stories. Legitimate agencies can usually share at least a few anonymised case studies or general examples of their work.
Others will show you a list of client logos but no actual results. Cool, you worked with a big company. Did you actually achieve anything? Or did they hire you, realise you were useless, and fire you after three months?
They’re Weirdly Cheap
If an agency is offering comprehensive SEO services for $200 a month, they’re either running a scam or they’re outsourcing everything to someone overseas who doesn’t speak English and doesn’t understand your market.
Good SEO takes time, expertise, and effort. It requires skilled professionals who understand technical SEO, content creation, and link building. Those people don’t work for peanuts.
Cheap SEO is like cheap surgery. Sure, it costs less, but do you really want to take that risk?
They Promise Quick Results
“See results in 30 days!” No, you won’t. SEO takes time. Google needs to crawl your site, index your changes, and evaluate your content. Even if you do everything perfectly, it usually takes at least 3-6 months to see significant improvements.
Agencies promising quick results are either lying or they’re using black-hat techniques that’ll get you penalised. Either way, you’re wasting your money.
The only exception is if your site is genuinely broken and fixing basic technical issues gives you a quick boost. But even then, sustainable long-term growth takes time.
Conclusion
The SEO industry is full of cowboys who learned a few buzzwords and decided to start selling services. They prey on business owners who don’t understand SEO and who are desperate to improve their Google rankings.
Real SEO is complicated, takes time, and requires genuine expertise. It’s not magic, and it’s not mysterious. It’s technical work, strategic thinking, and consistent effort over months or years.
If someone’s pitching you SEO services and any of the red flags above apply, save your money. You’re better off doing nothing than paying someone to actively harm your website with dodgy tactics.
And if you’re getting cold emails from SEO agencies promising guaranteed rankings, do yourself a favour and just delete them. If they were actually good at SEO, they wouldn’t need to send spam emails to find clients.
